Top Ten Reasons I've Not Been Around

Two weeks without any blog updates. Many things have happened since then. This list shall shed light on them for you. As you enjoy your reading, please remember to make your picks - unless you are Go Terps. Make your picks people! And without further adieu, I give you...

The Top Ten Reasons Ultimate Bill has been Blog-free since October 24

10. I've been busy working on that time machine. All I want to do is get back to Labor Day and tell Stinespring to RUN OUT THE %#)(*&^$# CLOCK!

9. I'm in the midst of a bidding war for my blog services. At the moment, Mississippi State is in the lead. For some reason, they keep telling me, we WON'T lose again. I remind them, each time, that it is going to take a LOT to get me to Starkville. (Perhaps a name change is in order for the homebase eh?)

8. I was born on November 4, 1970. I'm busy trying to come up with something to equal the awesomeness of Cale Gundy's speech when he reached the same age milestone:



7. I've been busy petitioning Webster's to change their definition of "indefinite" to include the following: adj. meaning "to suspend a player until said player is needed because your backfield is depleted" (see... Urban Meyer)

6. I've been recovering from a mental meltdown that resulted from my understanding that JoePa has averaged 10 wins per year for a number of years equal to the number I've been on this Earth. Sure, about 122 of those wins came against Temple, but still, it's impressive.

5. I've been too busy searching for my new man crush to replace the gimpy Denard Robinson.

4. I've been contemplating a move that would be financially beneficial to me and the family but go against the core of my being. After traveling to Blacksburg last week to see my beloved Hokies beat Georgia Tech, it occurred to me that I have a coaching opportunity. I'm considering approaching Paul Johnson about a position on his staff. My pitch would go like this: "Coach, I would be the "DON'T DO IT" coach. My role would be this, every time you call a pass, thereby bringing your 5 yards per down rushing game to a halt, my job will be to smack you upside your head and yell 'DON'T DO IT'." I'd do it on the cheap but AL Groh's on the staff too and you are going to have to pay a LOT of money for me to share space with that twit.

3. I've been working with private equity funds to raise enough money to have replay cameras installed at THE ACTUAL GOAL LINE on every college football field. If I hear "we don't really have a good angle to see if he crossed the line..." ONE MORE TIME....

2. I've been actively been petitioning ESPN to replace Jesse Palmer with this much more lively ball of lint:

1.  True story: I've been nominated to serve on the Gator Bowl Association committee. It sounds nicer when you say it like that versus the "we want to pressure you to help us sell tickets." There are some perks that go with the position, should I make the grade. One of those perks is going on scouting trips. A scouting trip for a bowl committee member is when you go to a game of a potential participant for your bowl (the Gator is now aligned with the Big Ten and SEC) and hob nob with ADs etc. What you would actually report back to the Gator Bowl uppity ups is a little cloudy to me at this point. Presumably, the ADs will want to impress. This means that someday, fingers crossed, I'll get to sit next to the Wisconsin AD and make his life a living Hell for three hours...to wit, I shall order a nice hot beverage, sip it, and...

Mr AD, are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte?

Have fun spending your New Years in Detroit Mr. Badger, because I can tell you this, they KNOW foamy lattes in State College!